I showed him my bush... on skype.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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