where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
