i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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