I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
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I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
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Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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