Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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