he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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