We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
