remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Im part way to drunk.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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