That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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