I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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