We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
