I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
