Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She bit a glass in half.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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