i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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