Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
