Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
