Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
