Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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