totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Mom said you looked used
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
