By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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