quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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