hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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