yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Randomize
