Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
