Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
COCAINE IS GR8
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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