im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I think a kid would responsible me up
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
