trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
babies were throwing up all over the place
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
they're like a gay fantastic four
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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