My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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