matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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