Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
