There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize