My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
