Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
