Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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