You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
