I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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