I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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