Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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