you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
