she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
