Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
