Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
