The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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