yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet