Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
