hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.