I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
