anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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