you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
