so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
