When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
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i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
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i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
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