Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
