Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
