my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
