she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
