; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
