There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
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I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
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Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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