I could have mohawked her pubes.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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