Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
