i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
