but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
