Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
