Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
