I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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